Monday, May 30, 2011

Rahab, The Coloring Book

Hey everybody!

It’s been awhile since we’ve discussed anything Biblical, I know, I know.


I have been working on a series of monologues based on women in the Bible. The idea is that the monologues would be contemporary updated versions of women found in the Bible. Because anyone who says women aren’t a vital part of the Bible frankly hasn’t read it. Because they’re ALL over the place. You just have to read the damn thing to find them.

And it’s been a lot of fun to make a list of Bible’s Greatest Women and to figure out what a contemporary version would be. Not gonna give everything away right now, but I will say that one of them is Rahab, the prostitute found mainly in the book of Joshua Chapter 2 and 6.

In a nutshell, she hides Joshua’s spies from the King of Jericho’s army in return for a promise that they will save her and her family when Joshua’s army invades. And they promise, so she hides them, and the army eventually invades, and her family’s saved, and there’s an interesting discussion to be had about faith versus works, which is mentioned in Hebrews (she’s justified through faith in her works) and James (she’s justified through works demonstrating faith).

Now, when I’m doing my research on these Women Of The Bible I invariably run across really well meaning church videos. Let me reiterate that most drama performed in churches today SUCK SUCK SUCK AN AMAZING MOUNTAIN OF SUCKITUDE! To a lot of churches in America, to perform a monologue of a woman in the Bible means you have a woman up in front of the congregation, sometimes in modern day dress, sometimes in “Biblical Gear” of a shapeless shift and headdress, but the monologue is almost always the same, and that’s that it’s basically a first person narrative of what you could simply read in Joshua 2 and 6. To these churches, it somehow means more to have a person “acting it out” rather than you reading it in your Bible.

This sucks from an imagination perspective. Because there is no imagination in that.

Because I’m trying to be a nicer person, I will not post an example of such sucky monologues. But do a simple google search on “Rahab” and hit the video tab, and you’ll find them. You’ll also find a Sarah Silverman monologue about Cheese REHAB, which means someone cannot spell.

BUT! I will post this video, because I believe that is somewhat in in on the joke.

One reason (among many, I know) I don’t think they’re completely in on the joke is because they also offer a study guide which includes a coloring book picture of Rahab (she’s got the Disney Princess eyes going)

Did you guys ever read Greek Myths as a kid? I did, except I got the sanitized version, D’aulaire’s Book Of Greek Myths. It’s because of that book that I grew up thinking Dionysus was really Jesus, because of this picture:

(okay, it’s copyrighted, I’m not gonna post it, but click here - then hit LOOK INSIDE, and go to page 67. )

I see a guy with a beard, what looks like thorns on his head, and grapes all around, and my second grade self thinks Dionysus = Jesus turning water into wine.

It’s not until much later that I realize Dionysus is pretty much the antithesis of Jesus with the madness, the ecstasy, the music and the orgies. OOOOOPS! SORRY JESUS!

So I really feel for the kids that watch this video and color this picture of Rahab and think she’s a cool action adventure spy smuggling chick who runs a hotel.

The truth, whoring warts and all, is so much more interesting

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Why Would You Believe That?

I was very grateful that my church did not mention the Rapture That Didn't Happen today. I wonder why more people don't realize that giving these nutjobs - whether threatening to burn a Quran, or buying billboards claiming they know the exact date that the world's gonna end - attention means they don't go away.

I was the Go-To-Christian for a few of my secular friends this week. "Is the world gonna end? Do you really believe that?" Why would I believe that? Why would you think I would believe that? Why is it the fringe element of any major group or institution suddenly becomes the face of that institution based on the amount of publicity they receive?

Because being normal is not interesting. The truth - that nobody knows when the world is ending, we're supposed to live like we're meeting God tomorrow, yet very few people do - is not as interesting as WE'RE ALL DYING AT 6:00PM YESTERDAY! BUT WE'RE STILL HERE! PRAISE GOD! OUR PRAYERS STAYED THE WRATH OF GOD! NOW COME FOLLOW US AND GIVE US MONEY!!!!


In other news, I spruced up the bloggie!

Check it out people! There's a Hall Of Fame Section over on the right hand side, featuring the best of this blog! Now you too can re-live things like Boobgate (I didn't think I was gonna recover from that one), Ginger Puppy, the scary website where you click a button to reject Jesus Christ (I bet they thought the world was ending yesterday) and much much more!!!

Thank you, faithful readers of the blog. I cannot believe we've been here five years and counting. :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Beautiful Bella

I’m picking up a lot of new dogsitting clients, I’ll be bouncing all over the place in June, and this past Saturday night, I got to hang with two beagle mixes, Bonnie and her sister Bella, shown here desperately trying to nap on the couch while I shove a camera in her face.

No, that’s not dirt or a piece of dried poo on Bella’s snout, that is in fact a growth of some kind. You can see two others on the right side of her face, and one on her paw, and there’s a big benign mass bulging from her left shoulder.

Her owners rescued her from a Beagle adoption place seven months ago, and are considering surgery for her to get rid of all stuff. The doctors say if they want to go through with the surgery, it’ll slow Bella down a bit for the recovery period, and that made her owners seriously consider it, because despite this picture, Bella is one rocket of a dog.


Here’s what she looks like when she’s rolling on her back, wanting a tummy rub:

Here’s what she looks like “at rest”

She won’t stop moving unless she’s trying to take a nap. She’s always on the go, and she is one happy happy dog. Her tail is endlessly wagging, she’ll smile at you, she always wants ear rubs, tummy rubs, pay attention to me FOREVER.

Bella does not care what she looks like. That growth on her nose is totally in her eyeline, she knows it’s there. But she doesn’t care. I never saw her paw at it, trying to get it off.

Meanwhile, I have a small small zit on my face and I’m convinced I’m hideous.

I’m convinced dogs understand the concept of shame (yell at a dog when they’ve peed in the house and witness it for yourself) but they don’t understand self consciousness. To go further, no dog is gonna make fun of another dog because they’ve got some weird black thing sticking out of their face that’s not their nose.

Dogs don’t give a flying flip what they look like. Unless you put a Christmas hat on them. Then they know they look dumb.

Bella is beautiful. I grew to love those things on her face in the short time I was with her. And I adored the pink lining of her thick floppy ears that just so happened to match the quilt she was taking her nap on.

I need to be more like Bella.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

That's Why He's God And You're Not

Hey everybody!

Remember when I left my temp gig last year because my boss wouldn’t hire me, because he claimed that he couldn’t make a decision because he hadn’t interviewed enough people?

That my eight to nine months on the desk wasn’t good enough for him to pull the trigger and offer me the position full time?

Remember how it sent me into a spiral of gloom and doom, that in standing up for myself, I jettisoned myself into a void of uncertainty? And I kept clamoring for God to talk to me, to tell me why this was happening, what’s the plan, la la laaaaaaaaaa.

And I flailed around for two months?

And then I finally landed a full time job in a place that’s turning out to be pretty okay? (Pretty Okay is an awesome title for a book or song or something.)

Guess what was the leading story on one of the entertainment websites on Friday afternoon?

That boss who wouldn’t hire me, the dick, is leaving the company. Friday was his last day.

I busted out laughing so hard my 6 person department all stuck their heads out to see what the ruckus was.

I quickly jumped on the IM to chat with my former co-workers about the news. They wished they could’ve seen my face when I read the article. I tell them I’m wearing a huge grin.

Which is evil of me. I know this.

The official word is that he wanted to leave. That this had been in the works “for months.” And while you could say that’s why he didn’t hire me, because he knew he’d be leaving, he offered the third temp who came after me the position full time. That guy was on the desk for two months and got an offer. Which he turned down.

So I’m going with the theory that my former boss is still a dick and what goes around comes around and off he goes to take a ride on the Karma Boomerang O’ Life.

It’s now crystal clear that God was trying to protect me. THIS is why God didn’t want me to be hired full time, so months later I wouldn’t be an assistant whose days are numbered because their boss has left.

And there’s probably no real way that God could’ve communicated that to me in a way I would’ve understood.

And He is so patient. SO PATIENT. And I am such a brat. SUCH A BRAT.

I will never understand why God continues to love me when I am such a brat, when I scream at Him to talk to me, make demands as though I’m in any position of power over Him.

But I guess that’s why He’s God. And I am so very very thankful for that.