Deliberately Positive

It hit me the other day, when I was responding to my buddy Donald, who was apologizing for not reading my blog lately because he had lost the link. I wrote, “You probably don't wanna read my blog these days, because I've been stuck in somewhat of a funk and the blog entries are REALLY whiny.”

And it hit me. I don’t really want to be this way. I don’t wanna be whiny. I don’t wanna be in a funk. You guys don’t wanna read about me being in a funk. You guys don’t wanna read about me being whiny.

I’m reminded of Say Anything. I know a lot of people remember a lot of things about that movie, but I’m always the strange one that remembers the odd stuff, so here ya go: Greatest Man Ever Who Doesn’t Exist In Real Life And Has Sent Many A Girl Despairing Lloyd Dobler is having an argument with his sister Constance, and he says

“How hard is it just to decide to be in a good mood, and then be in a good mood?”

Constance’s withering reply is “Gee, it's easy.” But she’s a single mom with a little kid in a crappy apartment with her brother staying on the couch and the parents in Germany. I have no such excuse.

At the same time, I was reading on a friend’s Myspace page how her acting teacher had told her this:

The moment you start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on your heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears. One starts living with a very light weight or almost no weight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky.

The fluffy weightlessness and “fly in the open sky” bit aside, the part about not taking life seriously, to make like Lloyd, to decide to be in a good mood and then BE in a good mood, was something I thought I should try to do.

So I approached Friday with that mindset. I was going to view life as though it was a game today, that nothing that would happen today would really MEAN anything, because it’s all a game, a piffle, a bit of nonsense and stuff.

Because that’s essentially what a temp’s life is, right? Nothing really counts, or is consequential, because you’re not really there. I mean, the professional integrity thing spurs me to do the best job I can, and because I’m human, I can’t help but feel bad if something goes wrong. But if something does go wrong, so what. 99.9 percent of the time, it’s not my fault, so they’re not going to fire me.

I was off to a good start, as I had finished my latest Christmas monologue for Joseph’s poker playing buddy, Big Al (what? They did TOO play poker back in Jesus’ day!) When I get to work, there’s plenty of stress going on, as some people have let the fax machine run out of toner and not ordered a new one, other people can’t type in email addresses correctly and get frantic when the emails bounce back, other people are having shitfits because they’re moving their trip dates around and we can’t get them hotel rooms, blah de blah blah.

But I don’t get stressed. I’m viewing it all as a game, like I’m looking at those people through a glass wall, watching them tear their hair out. I know better than to get stressed with them, that won’t solve anything, I’m just here to help, and even if I’m asked to do something I already know the answer too. “Could you please go check to see if Bonehead is sitting on that document I need?” “The fax machine is broken.” “Could you please just go and check anyway?” Okay, I think to myself, but it’s not going to be there. But if you want me to, sure I’ll go. Lo and behold, I’m right, there IS no document. And I’m (inwardly) laughing at how funny this is all turning out to be.

Coincidentally, all around me, the marketing and promotion chicks are buzzing about The Secret, The Secret, have you heard about The Secret? Well, yes, actually, I have, I heard about it at a birthday party last month, and the girl that told me about it said something like, “If someone else tells you about it within a week, you have to go buy the book.” Which is actually a brilliant marketing idea on their part. Nobody told me about it within a week, but everyone’s talking about it now, because it was on Oprah on Thursday.

All it is, is another self-actualization book and movie, saying that you control your reality, and if you put out negative thoughts out there, that’s what you’ll get back. If you put positive thoughts out there, that’s what you’ll get back. The Biblical version of it is Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

And there have been plenty of times in my life where I’ve stood in my backyard, stretched my arms out wide, prayed the neighbors didn’t look over and see the Crazy Chick In The Backyard, and put out to God and the Universe In General what I wanted. Not that I was going through a wish list, I want a bike, a pony, and a CAR, but things I was actively working towards, and what I wanted to have happen. None of them happened, and at the time, it brought me down, made me miserable, made me doubt, scream, throw margarita glasses against the side of the garage, la la laaaaaa.

I recognize the folly of what I was doing at the time, telling God what I wanted, as opposed to asking Him to tell me what He wants me to do. But what was also missing was after I stood in the backyard and asked God for things, I then squared my shoulders and went through my day with a grim determination, like life was a chore, life is a hassle, I’m just trying to keep my head above water, and not drown in a sea of despair before a life raft in the form of a sold script comes along.

So right here, right now, I’m making a declaration: I’m going to put myself in a good mood and stay there. This is different than clinging on to an already happening good mood. This is a conscious, rational, reasonable decision. I’m DECIDING to enter a good mood and will focus all of my conscious effort on STAYING there, and DEFLECTING any little gnats of negativity that might try to buzz through. I’m having good days only. Because honestly, given my usual tendencies, the most twisted peculiar going against my grain thing I could do would be to live deliberately positive.

Therefore, I’m deliberately declaring these statements:

I am an awesome writer.

I will sell a script.

I am attractive and have an amazing ass that grabs the attention of everyone I know, men, women, gay or straight. I used to have a problem with this, but I DON’T ANYMORE.

I am worthy of being loved.

I am MORE than worthy of being loved. I am an absolute GODDESS. I am funny and interesting and independent and strong. I’m talented, thoughtful and resourceful, like MacGyver but different (thought I did unblock my ignition lock by digging out a twisted piece of metal with a pair of tweezers this morning.)

I am not like any other woman you know and that is a GREAT thing.

Making these declarative statements does not make me a loser, it makes me focused on the positive parts of me. So there.

Let’s see how the week plays out.