Sunday, May 07, 2006

A Random Entry In Two Parts

Part One: I Appear To Be Memorable.

In the past week, not one but two lovely ladies have namechecked me in their blogs. Susan’s Diary Of A Mid-Life Crisis likes my definition of “Functionally Depressed” and Tracy’s Finding My Voice gives me kudos on posting pictures to your blog and kick in the pants motivation to write on your blog. If any of you out there need kick in the pants motivation to write, I’m your Writerchick. Seriously. I’ll call you up at strange hours in the night and scream, “Why aren’t you writing! Call yourself a writer!? Then WRITE, DAMMIT! You know what you’re watching on TV sucks anyway. Nobody ever sold anything by NOT WRITING!” I show no mercy. I am the Disciplinarian, which what I told my best friend from home Winifred would be my boxing name, if ever I went the Million Dollar Baby route (minus the amputated leg and death part.)

It’s flattering to be namechecked in someone else’s blog, but also a little startling. I keep thinking I’m sailing through life and nobody’s noticing. I often suspect I have the power of invisibility, because if I don’t want you to see me, you won’t, even if I’m in the room with you. Few of my friends ever talk to me about what I’m writing here, (Roomates Heckle and Jekyll never read it. I could talk SO much shit about them, and they’d never know.) So writing this blog is like shouting into the void: it’s great for me to work all this stuff out, and but sometimes an echo sounds back at me, freaks me out, and I remember, “Oh, that’s right. I have observers.” And then the second thought, "And I WANT observers."

Anyhow, thank you, lovely Tracy and Susan for the props. Right back at ya!

Part Two: Pastoral Twit’s Wife Is Also Twitty

Does that make her Mrs. Pastoral Twit? Or just Twitty? Pastoral Twit and his wife Twitty. Twittier. I feel like I can come up with a better name for her.

Anyhow, Temporary Name Twitty also preaches at 8:45am service, and we’re finishing up a series of sermons based on Things You Can Learn From The Movies, which is not things like Get Your Feet Off My Seat Or I’m Gonna Rip ‘Em Off Your Legs, but more like You Can Be A Christian Leader Like Braveheart, or You Can Build Great Friendships That Will Make Your Life More Meaningful Like Shrek Did. The main points are secular, then they hopscotch around the Bible and throw darts at verses to back them up.

These sermons are COMPLETELY cracked, and I love every single minute of it. I was wondering the other day why I bother going to 8:45am church anymore and it hit me today that what in the world would I have to blog about if I didn’t?

Anyhow, so today’s sermon is built around Forrest Gump. BWAH HA HA HA HA And it’s cruising along with simple points like “Life is more important than accomplishments alone” and “Abuses we experience can cause us to live a destructive life.” Honestly, it’s like church for dummies. No, REALLY? Abuses I experience can cause me to live a destructive life? I thought they would deliver me to Lake Salvation, gently born on the back of a giant swan with little Cupids throwing petals in front of me. Well, THAT does it. I’m putting the needle and tourniquet down RIGHT NOW.

So if that WAS it, it’d be fabulously inane as is, but no, no. Temporary Name Twitty goes on to say “I heard this story the other day about this Christian girl, who went on a trip with her sorority. And she wanted to be a good Christian, so for the first four nights she stayed in her room and didn’t go out. Then, finally, on the fifth night, she gave in and went out, got drunk, and spent the night on a beach with a guy. The next morning, he takes her to the airport, kisses her good-bye, gives her a box and tells her not to open it until she’s on the plane. So she gets on the plane, and they’re flying away, and she opens the box and it says, Welcome to the wonderful world of AIDS.

And more than a few people in the congregation go “ooohhhh” in the way of I Can’t Believe That Happened To That Poor Christian Girl. What A Shame. Isn’t It Awful How Abuses She Experienced Caused Her To Live A Destructive Life.

And I’m seriously jamming both hands in my mouth, because I cannot believe that Temporary Name Twitty just inserted a well-known Urban Legend into a sermon and passed it off AS REAL. I mean, honestly, does she not read Snopes.com? Is she not friends with Google? Google the phrase Welcome To The Wonderful World Of AIDS“ and see what comes up. It’s being studied as American Folklore! It’s made its way into bad misspelled poetry like here! IT AINT REAL, TWITTY! Seriously, you couldn’t have made your point any other way, except by using a hyperbolic urban legend? Are you serious? Are you seriously Twitty? I haven’t had such a blatant example of ministry gone wrong in a LONG time. I am SO going to this church for the rest of my life, ha ha ha.

3 comments:

a funny and talented journalist said...

Hi Amy. Your wit is sharper than a tack. I was randomly clicking and found this, and thought: wow, a blog with recognizable English!
Best wishes :)

Midlife Virgin said...

I MUST go with you one Sunday. While I consider myself a Taoist Christian, I do love it when ministry goes to horribly and obviously awry that you can't help but stuff your hands in your mouth. Christian doesn't always equal intelligent.

RTatum said...

I went to that linked poem. Woooooooooow. Some day I need to shoot a documentary about you going to church. That moment would have been priceless. I wonder if that hole in her cheek from the hook still hurts.