Thursday, May 11, 2006

Emailing Twitacious

So ever since the whirligig sermon at 8:45am church that took two pinches of Forrest Gump, a dash of an Urban Legend, and stirred with a Whole Lotta Silliness , I had been toying with the idea of emailing Temporary Name Twitty (now known as Twitacious) to alert her to her error in thinking “Welcome To The Wonderful World Of Aids” was a true story.

I've emailed her before, I have to go through her Secretary/Handler/Gate-keeper/Chickie Who Opens Her Email. Last time, I was emailing for some clarification regarding her sermon about God, Faith, and Healing. A main point of that one was if you embody your faith, you too can cast out sickness. That’s a really clunky paraphrase, but if you’re thinking Twitacious is a bit of a nutjob, you wouldn’t be too far off from my perception of her.

Anyhow, Twitacious had responded to that email, and so I thought, well, as long as the lines of communication had been opened previously, why not kick ‘em open again.

Add to the fact that I was a coward in not emailing Pastor Open Mind , and, and, and, I’ve got one big honking dilemma on my hands.

Write an email. Wouldn’t writing an email just be congratulating myself for telling her she’s wrong? What’s the point of telling her she’s wrong? Because she is. Yes, but what GOOD does it do? Tells her to research her stories more carefully. If you don’t, the next sermon might feature the dastardly Wal-Mart Perfume Mugger , or the hideous Parking Lot Ankle Slasher .

It’s not as though she doesn’t get emails about her sermons. Most every pastor has to, right? I have a right to speak my opinion, she has the right to read it or not, respond or not. If my opinion includes the statement that she was mistaken in passing off an Urban Legend as real in her sermon, again, she can read it or not, respond or not. There’s nothing preventing me from emailing her, nobody is saying I don’t have a right to.

Besides, it’ll be an exercise in lovingkindness, and that’s ALWAYS something I need to work on, since I think most people are stupid (except, you, Gentle Reader, always, always except you) so let’s give it a shot.

(identifying names has been lovingkindingly removed.)

From: Amy The Writer
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 1:35 PM
To: Chick Who Opens Twitacious’ email
Subject: Comment to Twitacious on her sermon yesterday...

Hi Chick Who Opens Twitacious’ email!

I'm hoping you can forward the below email to Twitacious, as I still don't have a direct email for her. If there is one, please feel free to let me know, as I don't wanna keep bugging you every time I write, ha ha ha.


Dear Twitacious,

I enjoyed your sermon yesterday morning about Lessons We Can Learn From Forrest Gump. I think the congregation really learned a lot and you were, as always, an enthusiastic and compelling speaker.

I was a little taken aback, though, at your choice to include the story about the sorority girl who slept with the guy and opened the box on the plane to read the message “Welcome to the wonderful world of AIDS.” You may have already heard about this from other people, but that story is a well documented urban legend. There have been many variations on it (the most common one has the message scribbled on a bathroom mirror in lipstick), but ultimately, the story is not real.

I understand your point in urging us to put our lives in the hands of God, and to be an Overcomer in areas of past abuse, and not to make bad decisions. But I think that point is best served by real examples, not shock tactics based on urban legends.

Of course, if you were just reading Pastoral Twit’s sermon for him because he has laryngitis and he’s the one that put the story in there, then no worries! Just smack him on the arm or something, ha ha ha.

Very best regards,

Amy The Writer

See? Not so bad. Start with a compliment. I DID enjoy the sermon, probably not in the way she had intended, but technically not a lie. The congregation probably DID learn a lot, and she IS an enthusiastic and compelling speaker, just in the Coo Coo For Cocoa Puffs way.

I allowed room for her to say “Thank you for being person #456 for setting me straight.” Because who knows, maybe she’s been besieged by a bunch of people going, “um, um, um, THAT WAS AN URBAN LEGEND!” as soon as she stepped off the stage.

I even left the door open for her to blame her hubby, because he really DID have laryngitis (that’s what she said at the beginning of the sermon), and she had to be a pitch hitter and do the sermon for him. That would actually make all the sense in the world. Pastoral Twit probably believes all those stories on that new fangled thing called the internet.

Chick who Opens Twitacious’ Email cheerily replied later that afternoon and said it absolutely wasn’t a problem for her to forward the email. I wonder if they deliberately barricade them behind handlers because people storm the gates based on these crackpot sermons. It’s possible. It could happen. I swear, I can’t be the only person (in a church that has easily 500 people at each of their FOUR SERVICES they hold EVERY SUNDAY) that has a problem with them. I can’t. I just can’t.

On Tuesday, I get an email back:

Subject: FW: Comment to Twitacious on her sermon yesterday...
Date: Tue, 9 May 2006 11:51:22 -0700
From: Chick Who Opens Twitacious’ Email
To: Amy The Writer

Hey Amy!

Twitacious wanted me to thank you for the info!!

Have a great week!

Chick Who Opens Twitacious’ Email

Well. That’s a little underwhelming, huh. Here’s the options:

1. I WAS the only person who pointed it out to her, and she’s highly embarrassed.

2. I WASN’T the only person who pointed it out to her, and she’s highly annoyed.

3. She’s super busy.

4. She’s super annoyed.

5. Any combination of the above.

Hmmmm. Well. Basically I have to admit to myself that I was hoping for some kind of reaction, and she took the high road and denied me everything. Which means she’s GUILTY!

Or perhaps I’m a brat.

But at least I'm not a coward today.

Ha ha ha.


ted said...

This whole post is funny, but the BEST part if how you inserted their psuodonyms into the actual emails. I'm not sure why that's the funniest, but it is.

F**k it's early in the morning.

Midlife Virgin said...

Deeply righteous Christian preacher-types never think they're wrong. But I'm glad you did it anyway, if nothing else, for our amusement!

J said...

My mother in law is a in what she reads online. She once forwarded us an article originally written in The Onion about how Harry Potter books were being used by the First Church of Satan in Salam, MA to recruit children to satanism.

We have referred her on several occaisions to, a site confirming or debunking internet myths. Every Christian ought to add this to their favorites list.