Watermelon in labor

Psalms tried my patience. Isaiah tried my patience. And after struggling for two weeks to get through Jeremiah, a book I initially thought would be fun to read, in so much that there should be huge parts I can identify with, I’m ready to drop kick most of the Old Testament into my backyard, where it can rot with the shingles falling off the garage roof.

Seriously, it’s like I GET IT! I GET IT! GOD’S GONNA COME DOWN AND KICK ISRAEL AND JUDAH’S ASS! WOE UNTO YOU IF YOU DON’T BEHAVE YOURSELF AND STOP WORSHIPPING OTHER IDOLS!

I seriously think that, yoke around his neck be damned, the people of Jerusalem just tuned Jeremiah out after awhile, because it’s 52 chapters of the same monotony. Do you know that the phrase “Woman in labor” appears NINE times in Jeremiah? That’s more than any other book in the Bible. You know how you can trick your head into repeating a word over and over again until it becomes this strange thing from an alien language? Like watermelon? Watch:

Watermelon. Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon.

What is this watermelon you speak of? “Woman in labor”? She lifts heavy bricks?

No, no, I know, it’s “Watermelon in labor”!!!

Jeremiah 4 verse31: I hear a cry as of a watermelon in labor, a groan as of one bearing her first child— the cry of the Daughter of Zion gasping for breath, stretching out her hands and saying, "Alas! I am fainting; my life is given over to murderers."

Jeremiah 6:23-25 23 They are armed with bow and spear; they are cruel and show no mercy. They sound like the roaring sea as they ride on their horses; they come like men in battle formation to attack you, O Daughter of Zion." 24 We have heard reports about them, and our hands hang limp. Anguish has gripped us, pain like that of a watermelon in labor.

Jeremiah 13:20-22 20 Lift up your eyes and see those who are coming from the north. Where is the flock that was entrusted to you, the sheep of which you boasted? 21 What will you say when the LORD sets over you those you cultivated as your special allies? Will not pain grip you like that of a watermelon in labor?

Heh.

I’m not giving up yet, I’m gonna go look up other supplemental readings to make sense of the book. But it’s kinda whacked that I can’t get it the first time around, cross referencing between two Bibles and all.

But I’m persistent. Or stubborn. I demand this book make sense to me!

Watermelons be dammed.