Monday, May 12, 2008

Attempting To Halt The Source

I work for two bosses at the Miniature Golf Network, and they have their quirks and fun bipolar days where one of them yells at me if I dare say “Mr. Smith is on line 1” when it’s actually “THE ASSISTANT has Mr. Smith on line 1.” Because that just can ruin a person’s LIFE, don’tcha know. It’s on par with finding out a tornado destroyed your double wide, your accountant ran off with your bank account, or your olives are touching your mushrooms on your pizza. RUINED! My life is OVER!

But I recognize #1 – Crazy Bosses are unavoidable in working in the industry and #2 I’ve worked for so many of them that it simply doesn’t faze me anymore (and I get a perverse kick out of giving them my Blank Face. Crazy Bosses want to see you crumple when they’re yelling at you. If you shoot a Blank Face at them, it pisses them off more, hee hee hee.) and #3 – Crazy Bosses are usually crazy because the boss above them is crazy, and it’s Classic Trickle Down Theory. I’m Furious And Angry And I’m Yelling At You. Pass It On. I’m Furious And Angry And I’m Yelling At You. Pass It On. I’m Furious And Angry And I’m Yelling At You. Pass It On.

That is definitely the case here, as my boss’s boss is notorious for being a hateful person who’s unfortunately very good at the job.

And since I do not want anyone to figure out what network I work for, even by saying whether my boss’s boss is a man or a woman, I hereby decree that my boss’s boss, is in fact, a dragon. See?

A dragon who eats kids for lunch at the Goofy Golf in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. Let’s name it Hornby.

Hornby is a very angry dragon, for reasons no one quite understands why, though there’s snerks here and there that it’s because Hornby has no personal life to speak of (so it has plenty of time to develop monster hits.) So it spews fire and brimstone at my two bosses, who in turn spew fire and brimstone at me.

So I pray for strength, I pray for patience, I pray for the slickest of backs so it all rolls off and doesn’t hang around my head for me to pass along like a psychological STD.

But then it occurred to me that if I truly wanted to be effective with the prayers, that I would actually stop praying for things for myself, and instead pray for Hornby.

So begins the Great Dragon Slayer Experiment, In Where I Attempt To Metaphorically Slay Hornby The Dragon’s Ill Temperament Via Prayer.

The thing that makes me think this thing will work is Hornby’s assistant, Lil’ Buster. I used to feel sorry for Lil’ Buster, because it had Hornby as a boss, and got a daily blast of ire so severe that Lil’ Buster’s hair probably burned off a long time ago.

But then I gradually realized that Lil’ Buster is in fact, a lazy assistant, who would rather get answers to its questions from me, rather than go in and ask Hornby itself (Assistant 101: You Have To Get Your Answers From Your Boss Even If You’re Scared It’ll Yell At You.) Suddenly, I started doing Lil’ Buster’s job for it, and I can’t tolerate people who create more work for me. So I started praying for Lil’ Buster, that Lil’ Buster would grow a brain, grow a spine, grow patience, grow wisdom, grow insight, grow a thicker skin and grow into a better assistant.

Lil’ Buster instead got fired. This week is its last week.

Now, I wasn’t actively praying for something BAD to happen to Lil’ Buster. I was praying for nothing but good things to come Lil’ Buster’s way. I probably could’ve sat back and done nothing, and Lil’ Buster still would’ve been shown the door.

Or maybe God is moving in very mysterious ways.

So now I’m actively praying for Hornby. That its craggy heart would soften, that it would realize what’s important in life, and it’s not the new crop of contestants on Putter Up! I’m praying that Hornby would gain perspective, that Hornby would realize how negatively its actions affect other people. I pray that Hornby is able to pinpoint what exactly makes it happy (assuming it’s not eating the nearest village), and is able to take steps to achieve that Happiness Goal.

I dunno, maybe it’s all a little condescending, or maybe God isn’t fooled at all, and sees the unconscious self servitude behind the prayers and therefore won’t answer them. Though, I really do mean it when I wish for good things to happen to Hornby. Just as long as my definition of Good Things are the same as God’s definition and Hornby’s definition.

But if Hornby goes down in a plane anytime soon, I’ll get a little freaked out.

1 comment:

HDS Quaver, Jr. said...

You know, I think Bette David once said something to the effect of "Your career really begins once you've been fired from Universal." So, where ever MGN might be, it sounds like The Big Entity might be giving Lil' Buster the break he needs!