Monday, March 17, 2008

Everything I Should be Doing Isn't Working

Sorry for the late post, my time really hasn’t been my own lately. Except for yesterday, which was my birthday. I am now officially eight, but I’m telling everyone I’m six. ‘Cause everyone knows six year olds have the most fun, grin grin.

Things are very chaotic over here at The Miniature Golf Network. We’ve got 4 shows on the air, and I’m now working for two people, so my workload has officially grown horns, cloven hooves, and has used me as a couch. And even though our shows are frolicky and silly, the environment is still corporate Dilbert world. And you want to do a good job because you have a good work ethic, even though your product is golf courses through jungle mazes.

But it’s extraordinarily difficult to keep on top of everything, with demanding bosses you get upset if I’m doing something for the other person first over them. So yes, I have made a few mistakes. Yes, I have been yelled at. Yes, I’m wondering what I’m doing here.

Where is God in this situation? Do I call on Him for help? Do I lean on my own understanding and general office skills? I thought I wasn’t supposed to lean on my own understanding. Understanding isn’t the same as skill. If you are a dumbass because you wrote down the wrong number on the phone sheet, God can’t really do anything about it.

Where is God in a Dilbert corporate world? I pray for help, I pray for strength, I pray to not be a dumbass, I pray to feel His presence helping me lift the burden, but all I feel is my own guilt and shame at doing something wrong. What, you think He’s gonna come down with the God wand and somehow magically right everything you’ve gotten wrong? If I’m supposed to go to Him for everything, then am I allowed to expect that He’ll do something about it?

These are the days where it seems impossible that a God we exalt as King, Lord Most High, Creator Of The Universe, la la la, really gives a shit whether my bosses are yelling at me or not. I think that might be the unintentional distancing effect that most hymns have. When we sing “Summer and winter and springtime and harvest. Sun, moon and stars in their courses above. Join with all nature in manifold witness. To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love” on Great Is The Faithfulness, then you think to yourself, yes, this God has created the seasons, has set the stars in the sky, and you want Him to do what? Get the courier here with the package faster? Because that’s very high on His To Do List? Are you kidding me?

One thing they’ll hammer at you in church 24/7 is the theme that God wants a relationship with you. God wants a relationship with you! You pursue worldly things, and worldly relationships and all God wants is a relationship with you! Set your sights on God, get to know Him, pursue His kingdom and you get fluffy bunnies, Cadbury eggs and everything else!

I don’t have a clue what pursuing a relationship with God means. No no, not true. I do too know what it means. I just don’t think it’s working currently.

Church will tell you that pursuing a relationship with God usually boils down to six or so things.
1. Read the Bible.
2. Pray.
3. Listen. (ideally while being still.)
4. Go to church and listen to what they have to say.
5. Get connected with a small group and discuss what they have to say.
6. Repeat

Yeah, I’m doing all of that. No, I don’t feel like I’m making progress.

I pray, so I’m talking to Him. I read the Bible, to try and understand a tiny tiny fragment of Him (I’m still stuck in 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles, where it’s all about Kings not tearing down the high places of pagan worship, and the successive lines of Kings who do the exact same thing, and Lamb Chop is stuck in my head singing, this is the song that doesn’t end, yes it goes on and on my friend.) I listen for Him ALL the time. I get nothing. No deeper understanding, no response. Just the cold academic calculating of Well, your landlord didn’t hose you on the rent increase so you know…that MUST have been God saving your ass, right?

If God wants the relationship with me, why is all I’m working through is a mountain of secular shit? What does He want me to do? What MORE does He want me to do? What kind of response from Him am I supposed to be looking for?

Oh great, we’re back to the Enough question.

We’re back to the What Do You THINK God’s Response Is Gonna Be Like?

We’re back to the Whatever Response You Think God Should Give Is Just Another Example Of How You Don’t Know Who God Is In The First Place, So Chutes And Ladders Yourself All The Way Back To Square One and Start Over, You Whiny Little Bee-yotch. Read The Bible. Pray. Listen. Go to Church. Go to Small Group. Repeat. Read The Bible. Pray. Listen. Go to Church. Go to Small Group. Repeat. Read The Bible. Pray. Listen. Go to Church. Go to Small Group. Repeat.

If I’m continually getting it wrong, there’s less and less reason to start over again. It gets so HARD to start over again. Whatever.

I think everyone needs to get Lamb Chop’s song stuck in their head. RIGHT NOW.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Could it just possibly be that God is dumping all this secular crap in your lap (and unless you're a priest of some kind, isn't that what ALL of us deal with 99.9% of the time?) so that you will look to yourself to get yourself out of it?

I always find that the Powers That Be tend to overload me on the stuff I need to figure out for myself because the rest of the time I take Them for granted. When I'm in need of a good Life Lesson I find that all the stuff I need to figure out, (especially the stuff I SHOULD have figured out my then) magically kicks me in the ass.

And maybe you're just looking TOO HARD. I find those Big Picture moments are a lot like those damn drawings where if you relax your eyes and stop focusing on "what's in the picture", the REAL picture suddenly appears.

Or perhaps you're trying too hard to figure out what is God saying when you need to reverse the question: what do you need to learn?