This entry was supposed to be:

So this entry was going to be an amusing one where I listed various things that people have told me, or various things that I have read over the past month that were supposed to be helpful in my Wrestling With God struggle.

I was going to cut and paste emails, I was going to recount conversations held in bathroom lines, I was going to quote what some have been saying about me on their blogs, I was going to make short work of people who think what they have to say will be the magic turn of phrase that’ll clear up all the clouds of confusion that have plagued me for years now.

We were going to laugh, we were.

But I have decided not to do that. Because when I examined the reasons for wanting to do it, I came up with some not pretty answers. In short, I would be doing it half to make fun of people, and the other half to throw a giant pity party for me, can you believe what these people SAID to me?!

In looking over previous blogging, I did a lot of making fun of other people, though it was always in the context of Do I Have To Be Like This In Order To Connect With God? From Koo Koo Krazy Church, to Jumpers, to Boobgate, to Happy Chipper Christians, to Mr. Purple Puffy Pants. I pointed fingers and laughed and blogged about it all for you, Gentle Reader. I suspect a lot of my secular audience likes it when I do that, because they might be like Roomie Jekyll, who said after I showed her one email, “People like this are exactly why I hate religion.” That me blogging about these types confirms that Christianity is indeed nutso futso.

And, yes, I want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel drop dead AWFUL for me. Hey guess what? I had a breakdown three days after stopping the blogging. I quit my job and took all of July off. Now I’m trying to find a job again and can’t. I’ve cried nearly every single day. My dryer is on the fritz. My computer had to go into the shop for a week. There appears to be a problem with my red blood cell count, and maybe that’s the reason it’s such a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. And no, I don’t know anything more about God other than He’s Around But Damned If I Know Where.

Do you feel sorry for me yet? Or do you think that I’m a major selfish brat? It’s okay, I know at least one of you does.

(By the way, I’ve ALWAYS thought I was a major selfish brat, which makes the whole Receiving God’s Grace especially difficult for me. But I’m honest about it.)

Regardless, neither one of those reasons – making fun of people, or wanting people to feel sorry for me - is going to solve anything.

And if life isn’t necessarily roses and Twix bars, the very least I can do is attempt to practice some form of the Peace Of God. Which in this case, means not making fun of people who didn’t realize they said some very not helpful things, and pulling myself up by my bootstraps and continuing the grueling search for a paycheck, for a capable maintenance man, for the next iron enriched burger when I have never wanted to eat less in my life, and stop bitching about it.

But we still need to laugh, so here ya go, your Enforced Secret Joy #45 – The Weirdass Pug Video