Thursday, July 06, 2006

Enforced Secret Joy #5 – Noxema Microbead Cleanser

Not like I’m trying for freebies here, but if you happen to be thinking about switching facial cleansers, this one by Noxzema is really interesting. It really does leaves your face all tingly in surprising ways. Because it was so surprising, and quite refreshing after the initial surprise, it qualifies as an Enforced Secret Joy, albeit a short one.

Thank you, Lord, for Noxzema (though they’re such a huge multimillion collar conglomerate that they don’t especially need Your blessings.) Thank you for tingly feelings on my face, for the fact I have a bathroom, that I live in an industrialized nation that has running water, and that I have income to spend on facial cleansers. Thank you for surprises of all kinds, big and microbead. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.

Today is it, people. Today I need prayer, prayer, prayer and other assorted good thoughts if prayer is not your thing because today is the day I trudge to a four day retreat in Malibu in which I will potentially piss off a lot of people SKIP WITH HOLY JOY TOWARDS MY FUTURE AND MAKE NEW AND EXCITING FRIENDS!

Act One starts today, and they moved it up to the afternoon, which means I have time to squeeze in an early morning show of
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest, which I’m REALLY thankful for, because there was no way I was going to be stuck on a canyon retreat for four days while everyone else gets to watch Johnny Depp do his thing. I’ve been watching Johnny Depp for a long time. I have VHS tapes of 21 Jump Street in my closet that I taped off the TV from back in 1988. I SAW HIM FIRST! Ha ha ha.

I don't think there will be S'mores at this retreat. I have to miss BOTH my church services on Sunday because of this retreat. Grrrrrrrr.

I’ve been wrestling with the issue of How Do I Blog About Act One all week (because not blogging about it is not an option.) Here are my choices.

1. Never tell my classmates I have this blog, and blog about whatever I want.

Hmmm. A little cowardly. Not exactly an honest way to live. A little two-faced. A little high schoolish.

2. Never tell my classmates I have this blog until the program is over, and blog about whatever I want.

Now we’re REALLY getting two-faced.

3. Tell my classmates I have this blog and limit my musings to the program only and what we’re learning, not my classmates.

Somewhat better. A judicious balance. Safe. Honest. Polite. But suppose they do something stupid? What’s this “they” bit? You could do something stupid, too. I have no problem blogging about my own stupidity, and I do it all the time. Suppose they piss me off? What in the world do you think they’re gonna do?

Here’s the thing. We all wanna be really really good at something in life, and while I’d like to think it’s writing for me, what I really excel at RIGHT NOW, and need no further training on, is Spinning Paranoid Fantasies. If I’ve come into physical contact with you ever in my life, I guarantee I’ve spun up something about you for why you haven’t done something I wanted you to do, or why you did something I didn’t want you to do. Why did they say that? Why didn’t they say that? Why didn’t they call? Why did they look that way at me? What did they mean when they said that? They hate me. THEY HATE ME.

There’s some famous quote that goes along the lines of, “If everyone knew how little time everyone else spends thinking of them, then” the rest of the quote, which I don’t remember, but I’m sure it’s along the line of the poles reversing, the ocean swallowing the sun, dogs and cats living together and challenging Supreme Court laws about adopting peacocks, la la la. And that quote is made for people like me. I am fully aware of it, AND I CAN’T STOP MYSELF.

So rather than looking into medication for this kind of thing, I think the absolute worst of my future classmates, and all the stupid things they will do that will upset me and I will want to blog about and won’t be able to, if I pick door #3.

See, it’s really hard for me to be positive. About anything. Always has been. I talk to God about it all the time, and I don’t feel like we’ve made progress. If you’re going to be a grump, at least be entertaining about it.

It’s a thing. I look at a situation full of potential like Act One, and all I can see is the fact that I will be assigned a roommate for four days, and what if she turns out to be annoying? What if she turns out to be really interesting and way cooler than you? Yeah but…what if she’s not?

It’s obviously going to be fine and a moot point by next Tuesday, but…we’re not there yet, are we?

4. Tell my classmates I have this blog, and blog about whatever I want, including them, if they do something that makes me think/laugh/mad/fear for the future of our nation.

Ah, the absolute drop dead honest approach. It could be an interesting experiment, to live life boldly and honestly. The idea being, that whatever I blog about, I would have talked to the person ahead of time and told them I was going to blog about it. It would force me out of my anti-social shell. It would not make you a lot of friends. People would not talk to you because they would think you’d post their conversation online. A-HA! That sounds GREAT! Not talking to people! WHOO HOO!

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Dear Act One Classmates Who I Will Be Meeting Later This Afternoon.

Hello. My name is Amy The Writer. I also answer to Amy The Grump. Eeyore is my Disney Spirit Animal. My favorite nightshirt has Oscar The Grouch on it.

I have already spun many paranoid fantasies about how you all are scary in a variety of ways: spiritually, creatively, personally, sartorially. This of course, will mean that you all are nothing but lovely people, full of God’s grace, light, beauty and truth.

That scares me also.

If you’re reading this, I must have told you all in some room on a Malibu retreat (and there better be air conditioning or else I’m breaking out my Forbidden Spaghetti Strap Tank Top) about this blog. You want to get to know me, read this blog. Pick an entry, any entry. You don’t have to read the whole thing, just as far as you want. You’ll get the idea pretty soon.

But most importantly, please act exactly the same as you normally would around anyone else who isn’t a self-proclaimed grump. Don’t be scared. You are most likely automatically right in any situation, because I’m Amy The Grump, and I lose a lot of arguments. I’m wrong about 80% of the time. Just ask God. He has a lot of fun using me as a prime example of What Not To Do. Thank Him that I’m around to be that obvious of an example, it takes the pressure off a LOT of people.

I vow to be as politely honest as possible around you, and I hope that you do the same for me. Politeness is key here. I know how to do it, I was raised in the South.

I hope that we get to be Great Friends. I hope you understand if I don’t talk as much as I type. And I hope you understand that I reserve the right to do a complete 180, and be the happiest Chatty Cathy you ever saw.

The Rules Of This Blog.

Everyone goes by an assumed name here, except for me (and Johnny Depp. Or anybody else on TV or movies.)

I usually post on Sundays and Fridays, except for the days that I don’t (and depending on our Act One workload, this could change too.)

I don’t comment on comments. Nothing personal.

I always ask questions. ALWAYS. This can piss people off. Ooopsie.

Welcome to the blog. Let the Act One era begin.

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Faithful Readers O The Blog, I will still be in Malibu on Sunday, so let’s give me some room and say my Sunday post will again be bumped to Monday (maybe Tuesday.) I think it’s too much to ask that this retreat has wireless. Unless it’s not. We’ll see.

2 comments:

J said...

A life lived in fear is a life unlived.

Just be you (both in Malibu and here on teh blog). The truly cool kids will like you for who you are. Dismiss the rest, as they are idiots.

What? Me? Judgemental? Nah....

J said...

I hate it when I mispell the word "the" (see above).