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Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #6 – Mary of Bethany

Disclaimer: I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!”

Which One Is She?

There’s a bunch of Marys running around the Bible, so you’re forgiven if you sometimes mix them up. The following are all different Marys and not the same person:

1. Mary, Jesus’ Mother, the Virgin Mary

2. Mary Magdalene (not a prostitute as most commonly think)

3. Mary, mother of John Mark, the apostle.

4. Mary, wife of Clopas, mother of apostles James and Joseph, and Jesus’ Mother’s “Sister.” (Quotes are there because the Greek word for “sister” could also be translated as “cousin,” “aunt” , “niece” or other female relative. So this Mary probably isn’t really Mary’s SISTER sister, because the Virgin Mary’s parents already have enough on their plates by being grandparents to the Messiah to not need to add drama by naming two kids the same name. The people in the Bible can be messed up, but not THAT messed up, heh.)

But today we’re looking at the FIFTH Mary, which is Mary of Bethany, sister to Lazarus and Martha.

She’s a Shockingly Interesting Person, as we shall soon see.

Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

The Arquettes are a giant bunch (as seen here - Alexis, Rosanna, Richmond, Patricia, and David). And even though there’s a few more siblings than I need for this example, let’s say Rosanna is Martha and Patricia is Mary, and Richmond and David can duke it out over which one of them is Lazarus. (Alexis is the most fabulous of them all and can be anybody she wants to be.)

Where Is She In The Bible?

Luke 10: 38 – 42 – where she sits at Jesus’ feet instead of helping Martha with the housework.

John 11 – Where Jesus raises her brother Lazarus from the dead.

John 12 - Where she washes Jesus’ feet with perfume.


What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

Everyone in Sunday School knows the story about Mary and Martha, and how the Bible’s Martha could easily have been the Martha Stewart of Biblical times, because Martha’s so focused on cleaning the house for Jesus (and later on, mentioning how Lazarus’ corpse will probably smell after five days when Jesus goes to raise him from the dead) while her sister Mary abandons all housework to simply sit at the foot of Jesus and listen to him teach.

In fact, if I ever get around to writing a musical featuring Women Of The Bible, I think I’ll have a duet between Martha and Mary, called “I Was Always Jesus’ Favorite.” It’ll be sung to the tune of Deck The Halls:

Martha sings:
I was always Jesus’ favorite
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.
He loved me because I was obedient.
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.

Then Mary sings:
I was always Jesus’ favorite
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.
He loved me ‘cause I know what’s more important.
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.

Then Apostle John would probably jump in
I was the one whom Jesus loooooved.
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.
It’s all in my Gospel, yes it waaaasss.
La la la la laaaaaa, la la la la.

ANYHOW

In addition to not helping with the housework and pissing off her sister, Mary of Bethany is also the one who washes Jesus’ feet with an expensive pint of perfume and dries it with her hair. As we read in John 12, this angers Judas, who argues that instead of washing Jesus’ feet, they could’ve sold it and given the money to the poor (John editorializes that Judas actually didn’t want to give the money to the poor, he wanted to keep it for himself.) Jesus tells Judas to shut up (not like that, but nicer) and explains that Mary has actually anointed his body for burial, “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.” (John 12:7-8)

Why Is This Shocking?

Sitting at Jesus’ feet to listen to him teach was considered something a disciple would do. Mary’s a chick, but Jesus allows her to sit where a disciple would because he considers her, a woman, a disciple – pretty shocking.

Back in Biblical times, a guest to a house would get a foot bath as soon as they entered the house, because Sandals On Everyone + No Paved Roads = Dirty Dirty Feet.

Normally, a servant would do the washing with water. Jesus and the apostles are meeting IN Mary (and Martha and Lazarus)’s house, so Mary is technically a host, and didn’t have to do the washing.

And even if she wanted to do the washing, water was fine. But she chose to use a very expensive gift on the most humblest of body parts – the dusty road weary feet.

(P.S., while Mary is washing Jesus’ feet and Judas is getting angry, what’s Martha doing? She’s SERVING! John 12:2 – “…Martha served…” Martha is gonna pitch a fit pretty soon if she doesn’t get some help. Though the servants aren’t washing Jesus’ feet currently, so she could grab them if she wanted.)

Whatchoo Thinking About?

I think Mary of Bethany’s all about emotions. Not necessary an emotional wreck, but she doesn’t hide her feelings, she wears them pretty openly. She drops everything to sit at Jesus’ feet and listen to him, never mind what Martha wants.

When Jesus arrives in Bethany after Lazarus’ death (John 11) , Martha goes to greet him first, which seems a little out of character for both sisters. But interestingly, this section is more about Martha’s character arc, and how she finally believes that Jesus is the son of God (this is even before Jesus raises Lazarus, and I love that Martha has her own moment here). Mary is back in the house, mourning with others, as someone whose grief is so overwhelming emotionally would do. Yet when Martha tells her that Jesus is here and is asking for her, Mary “got up quickly and went to him,” (John 11: 29)

When Mary gets to Jesus, she throws herself at his feet and says, “Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Pretty emotional statement right there, she’s crying, everyone around her is crying, Jesus “was deeply moved in spirit” (John 11:33b) and wants to know where Lazarus is buried, and what comes next is the thing that causes Jesus to say the most memorized Sunday School verse ever. Seriously, if you’re in Sunday school, and the teacher says next week’s assignment is to memorize Scripture, and you get to pick the verse, go for this one, John 11:35. Because it’s simply this:

“Jesus wept.”

EASY TO MEMORIZE. YOU WILL GET A GOLD STAR.

But back to Scripture! What moves Jesus to tears, among other things (dead Lazarus) is Mary’s tears. Tears from an emotional woman, a woman who says what she thinks, who doesn’t hide her feelings, who acts on her emotions.

A woman who doesn’t give a toss what anyone (Judas) thinks of her washing Jesus’ feet with perfume in John Ch.12, instead of selling the perfume to give the money to the poor. After all, Jesus is the guy who raised her brother from the dead.

Or perhaps, she’s the one who actually understands what Jesus has been telling the disciples for some time – that his time on this earth is drawing to a close. The disciples aren’t getting it. But Emotional Mary Of Bethany is taking Jesus at his word, and anointing his body for the burial that Jesus says is happening. The disciples may think it’s another metaphor, but Mary takes Jesus at his word. Which we all should do.


What Did You Learn?

Looking at these examples, Mary of Bethany could be seen as almost operatic. And I’m kinda jealous of her openness and emotional bravery. She doesn’t care what other people think, she’s gonna feel what she’s gonna feel.

How else would you react in the presence of your Lord and Savior? All pretense should be cast aside. Not point in putting on a mask in front of Jesus. He’s gonna see right through you.

And FYI, it was pretty impossible to find a screen shot of Patricia Arquette in an emotional pose. She’s always calm and collected in front of the cameras. If you wanna see her crying, you’re gonna have to go rent her films. I like True Romance, myself.

Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #5 – Bathsheba

Disclaimer: I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!”

Which One Is She?

Bathsheba was married to King David, and bore him a son, King “I Wrote Most Of Proverbs” Solomon.

Conservative religious chuckleheads would say that Bathsheba is a Slut for going along with King David’s adulterous wishes. I disagree. She’s actually a Schemer for what she does after the fact.

Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

Because she is the only woman in the Bible who is described in Hebrew as “maod towb” which means “very beautiful”, let’s go ahead and say she’s Angelina Jolie, who is one of the most beautiful women in the world and always looks like she’s got mega scheming plans behind those big eyes. We are lucky that those plans are usually about helping Serbian orphans or adopting another child from an impoverished country, because she could be scheming to bring about the zombie apocalypse. I mean, look at her – doesn’t she look like she could convince any scientist in the world to unleash a zombie virus if she really wanted to?

So really, people, we’re only alive because Angelina Jolie wants us to be.

Where Is She In The Bible?

The part of the story that everyone remembers is 2 Samuel, Chapter 11 and 12. That’s where King David sees Bathsheba, grabs her, impregnates her, and then sends her husband Uriah to the front line of the war so he’s killed quicker so King David can marry Bathsheba and claim the kid as his. That kid dies, by the way, as God’s punishment on King David (and some say Bathsheba too).

But King David must’ve really really loved Bathsheba, because he stuck with her forever. He could’ve booted her after the first kid died, but nope, she sticks around. But again, she’s Angelina Jolie beautiful. Who wouldn’t want a gal like that to stick around?

BUT! She also has a small adventure in 1 Kings, Chapters 1 and 2.

And when you look at her actions in both of those stories, you realize she’s a Schemer.

What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

Everybody knows she’s the chick bathing naked on the roof when King David saw her. Everybody knows King David fell into such lust for her that he purposefully schemed to get Uriah, her husband, killed in battle so he could marry her because she was already pregnant with King David’s kid. And the bulk of this story falls upon King David and his actions, because yes, he’s the bigger sinner here.

I used to like to get into debates in various small groups whenever anyone said that Bathsheba bore some of the blame of the sin of adultery by going to King David when he “sent messengers to get her” (Ch.11:4), even though she was married to Uriah.

But hello!

When a King “sends messengers to get” you, how do you think he’d do it? HE USES SOLDIERS. Big burly men with swords and battle axes and other weapons that not-so-subtly indicate that It’s Best You Come With Us And Sleep With Your King Serve Your Country.

Because a King is only going to accept one answer here. And Bathsheba is a woman of the Bible whose husband happens to not be at home ‘cause he’s fighting in the war, and she’s got zero options.

Put another way - If the Secret Service comes knocking on your door and says “The President Would Like A Word With You,” you don’t really get to say no. Any movie will show you that you get your ass tackled if your answer is anything other than yes.

So nope, Bathsheba didn’t have a choice, and any conservative religious chucklehead who argues that she did is usually #1) a guy or #2) someone who likes to blame women a lot. Back away slowly from those folks. The zombies will get them in their time when Angelina gives the say so.

What’s Her Story?

After Bathsheba gets pregnant by King David, and after Uriah gets killed in battle, King David is courteous enough to wait - “after the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son.” (Ch11:27) Oh yeah, NOW he can wait. Couldn’t wait before, but NOW he can. Heh.

So here comes Nathan the prophet, who essentially tells King David God knows what you did, you bad bad person! Calamity approacheth! King David, to his credit, instantly confesses, and Calamity averted, but the kid (who never gets a name, poor little bugger) dies after seven days. Because sin has consequences.

As usual, the Bible spends zippo time checking in on its women, in this case Bathsheba, and what she must be feeling/thinking. Her husband Uriah is dead. Her firstborn (if she had kids with Uriah, the Bible would’ve said something about them) is dead. The King who got her into all of this mess is still alive, and now she’s married to him.

And yet, she still stays with him. She doesn’t run away, she doesn’t pull a Cleopatra and Asps Away! She doesn’t even kill him. Why? The only thing I can think of is that she must love him. Or he must be really hot. Like, Brad Pitt hot. Maybe that’s the series I do next – Life Of King David As Played By Brad Pitt.

It must also be noted that God wanted these crazy kids together, because she gets pregnant with David’s kid again and in Ch.12:24-26 “She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him, and because the Lord loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jeddiah.” Jeddiah means “loved by the Lord.” And God really loves Solomon, because he is also in the bloodline that will eventually produce Jesus.

So let’s skip the parts where David has other kids by other wives, and they’re obviously not Bathsheba’s kids, because they’re all screwed up and raping their half sister (Amnon), or killing their brother because they raped their half sister, and trying to take the throne from David (Absalom). I like to think Bathsheba is just trying to raise baby Solomon, and giving him all the wisdom that he’ll need to write Proverbs later (which could quite possibly be as simple as “don’t do anything you see any of your father’s sons doing.”)

But she pops up again where not a lot of people expect her to do so, in 1 Kings, Chapters 1 and 2.

At this point, David’s son Adonijah (who is NOT Bathsheba’s son) decides he’s gonna jump over the whole succession thing (which dictates that Solomon would be King when David died) and claim himself King because David is way too old, and too busy trying to get it up with young virgins named Abishag (yeah, when the Bible says “he could not keep warm,” that’s a gentle euphemism for “I cannot perform sexually to produce more heirs and thus prove I can still be King”) to fight him off.

So Nathan the prophet, yes, the same prophet who told David that his firstborn son by Bathsheba was gonna die because of his adultery sin, finds Bathsheba and says, “You wanna do something about this or else Solomon’s not getting the throne.”

And seriously, can you imagine Bathsheba looking at this guy, this prophet, the same guy who told David (I’m guessing she was either in the room or nearby) that their firstborn son was gonna die because of the sin that David kinda sorta coerced her to participate in, THIS guy, is now coming to her saying “Yo, need your help.”

Nathan the prophet needs Bathsheba’s help, because he’s already figured out that if he went by himself to talk to King David, his words wouldn’t be heard.

But if King David’s not gonna listen to the prophet who was right in the past about his firstborn son dying, then who would King David listen to?

BATHSHEBA. Which is why Nathan went to her to ask King David first. If Nathan could’ve done it by himself, he would’ve. But nope, he needs the one woman who, when she speaks, KINGS listen.

(We are not brain-eating-zombies only because Angelina Jolie loves her kids and Brad Pitt too much to give the order.)

Nathan instructs Bathsheba to go to elderly King David (whose throne is probably a hospital bed at this point) and say something to the effect of, “What the hell, you said Solomon would be king, and Adonijah’s just sent out a press release saying he’s taking the throne.”

Bathsheba does him one better, and tells King David that not only has Adonijah sent the press release, he’s excluded Solomon and Bathsheba from the victory dinner, and they’re most likely gonna die soon.

So King David quickly crowns Solomon as king, while Adonijah is at his victory dinner, and since what King David says still goes, Solomon is now king, and Adonijah sulks away, because Solomon, in his wisdom, doesn’t kill him.

That doesn’t stop Adonijah from requesting through Bathsheba for Solomon to grant “I Don’t Like Being Known As The Virgin That King David Couldn’t Get it Up With” Abishag as his wife. Bathsheba allegedly innocently carries the request to Solomon, who promptly kills Adonijah for his request (because if Adonijah could get it up with a virgin that his own father couldn’t, that means Adonijah has conquered Virgin Territory And Thus Deserves To Be King. Gross and stupid.)

See I bet, I just bet, that Bathsheba knew that would happen. This is her chance to get rid of the pesky Son Who’s Not Her Son Who Tried To Take The Throne From HER Son once and for all.

Why would Adonijah ask Bathsheba for help with his dumb request? Because when Bathsheba speaks, KINGS listen.

Oooooooh, she’s crafty, she is.

Whatchoo Thinking About?

At first glance, it looks like Bathsheba is nothing more than a pawn in other men’s schemes – King David must have her, Prophet Nathan needs her to talk to David, Adonijah needs her to talk to King Solomon.

But how she not only survives those plans, but often times does them one better, is kinda awesome.

Everyone wrote off Bathsheba as a beautiful woman and nothing more. I think just about everyone has more going on under the surface. Sometimes not a ton more. But something more. Look beneath the surface of everyone

What did you learn?

Don’t have a victory dinner until after you’ve taken the throne.

Never ever underestimate the persuasiveness of a beautiful woman (who, by the way, was verbally persuasive with King David and King Solomon. Again, more than meets the eye.)


Brad Pitt is staring in the movie version of World War Z, which is about the zombie apocalypse. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #4 – Gomer

Disclaimer: I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!”

Which One Is She?

Gomer is firmly in our Slut category, as she’s the woman God told the prophet Hosea to marry, despite her indiscretions that continued even after Hosea married her. She’s willful, stubborn, wants to do her own thing, comes back and says she’s sorry and she won’t ever do it again… and then promptly goes and does it again.

Just like most of mankind.

Which is why God told Hosea to marry her, as their union would vividly be a metaphor for God and Israel, his chosen people.

In that metaphor, Hosea is to God as Gomer the slut is all of us.


Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

I’m gonna get in such trouble for this. It really doesn’t matter who I name, it’s gonna be bad news. Oh, yes, please DO “name a famous female celebrity who’s slept with MASSIVE amounts of people.” Let me Google that phrase and see what I come back with. HA! GOOGLE DOESN’T COME BACK WITH ANYTHING! GOOGLE’S STAYING THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS ONE!!

You know what? I’m gonna say Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love (Venus is the Roman version). Who was VERY well known for taking numerous lovers, and never really being faithful to her hubby Hephaestus (Vulcan is the Roman version). And since Mira Sorvino played a prostitute (and won an Oscar for it) in Woody Allen's “Mighty Aphrodite,” that’s the face we’re using today. (we’re NOT saying Mira is a slut. WE ARE NOT SAYING THAT. We’re saying that we’re using her face as an illustration. THAT’S ALL.)

Where Is She In The Bible?

Hosea, a minor prophet book in the Old Testament. Fourteen chapters long.

What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

I knew about her, because it’s a wackadoo part of the Bible that not a lot of people know about, so when you read about it you’re like “?!HUH?!” but then I forgot. Then I remember. Then I forget. Minor prophets are like that.

What’s Her Story?

God told Hosea to marry an adulterous woman, though look at the hilarious way it reads in the Bible,

Chapter 1, vs. 2 & 3 “…the Lord said to him, “God, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord. So he married Gomer, daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.”

BWAH HA HA HA HA!

See, the way I read it, God doesn’t tell Hosea WHO to marry, He tells Hosea WHAT KIND OF WOMAN to marry, i.e. “Go find yourself a whore and marry her,” and Hosea thinks, “OH! I KNOW JUST THE ONE!”

Meaning it’s up to Hosea’s own judgment to find the whoriest of whores. OH MY GOD, PEOPLE, DO YOU NOT SEE THE HILARITY HERE?

After being instructed by God to pick a whore for a wife, Hosea marries Gomer and they have three kids (there’s debate over whether the second and third child are Hosea’s), and God tells them to name the children specifically these names because of what the names mean:

Jezreel, a boy– Jezreel is a famous battleground where a historical bloody coup took place under the king of Jehu. Jezreel means “God scatters.” By Hosea naming his child this, God is speaking through Hosea that Jehu’s rule is coming to an end.

Lo-Ruhamah, a daughter, - Lo-Ruhamah means “not pitied.”

Lo-Ammi, a son - Lo-Ammi means “not my people.”

With a slut for a mom, and these wackadoo names, I am shocked that we don’t hear more about how these three kids grew up to be serial killers. I mean, seriously.

God is using not just Hosea’s marriage, but his children as an extended metaphor for the bumpy love story between God and the Israel nation. Though I don’t think that explanation would’ve stopped those kids from getting their asses kicked on the playground. Thanks, God!

So the majority of the book of Hosea is either God talking, or talking through Hosea about how Israel (the nation, which takes on female qualities when God talks about her ) has turned away from Him, so He’s gonna take everything away from Israel, strip her bare, then charm her all over again, like in Ch.1 vs. 14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” And if you’re thinking this makes God sound like an abusive husband – I gave you everything, you abandoned me, so now I’m gonna take everything back! – you’d be sorta right, except for the fact that Israel brought it on herself by turning its back on God first and #2, When God woos Israel back, He doesn’t mistreat her. Israel’s the one who keeps running off (in the form of abandoning God in favor of worshipping other pagan gods), over and over and over again and God’s the one who lets Israel suffer the consequences of her choices, waits for her to come back, and takes her back over and over again, until the next time Israel runs off, enticed by some new pagan god.

This is played out in Hosea’s marriage by Hosea continually going to find and bring back Gomer from whoever’s bed she’s currently bouncing in. This includes buying her back out of slavery/possible temple prostitution (Chapter 3). While Gomer’s only specifically mentioned by name in Chapter 1 and 3, you can extrapolate that she’s married to Hosea through all 14 chapters of the book, otherwise it would’ve been mentioned if they busted up (and when God wants to use things as a metaphor, they kinda go the way He wants. Because He’s God, you know.)

Hosea’s still continuing his career as a prophet, and you gotta think this makes him an especially effective speaker, who’s literally practicing what he’s preaching in terms of how God will always go after His people, will always take them back. It’s also a good thing that Hosea’s a prophet, and not a minister, because you know he would’ve been kicked out of any church for having a wife who would so publicly embarrass him, and whom he seemingly can’t control.

No reason is given for why Gomer runs off. She could be a nympho, she could be bored of Hosea’s constant preaching of Israel’s sorrows, she might take the attitude of “F it, if this is what he thinks I’m going to do, might as well prove him right.”

She’s stuck in a pattern of behavior that she’s been in for so long, it’s quite possible that she thought this was a normal way to live. She could have said, “Yo, you knew I was a slut when you married me. In fact it was BECAUSE I was a slut that you married me. I have to keep being a slut, or else God’s metaphor of our marriage doesn’t work. So I’m heading down to the bar to pick up a guy, and I’ll catch you on the flip side, mmmkay?”

I keep getting the picture in my head that Hosea was the nerdiest of nerds, and Gomer was a total (if a little road-worn) babe. (Woody Allen and Mira Sorvino, maybe?) Because had Hosea been the least bit studly, Gomer would’ve totally stayed around, no?

I wonder if Gomer simply couldn’t handle at first what love is about. True unconditional love means accepting the person, warts and all (and there’s an assumption that the warty person will try very hard to change their warty ways, and you will love them through that process too.)

There had to have come a point where Gomer was so tired of her negative behavior that she just gave up and thought, yeah, you can have me back if you want this broken down soul and beaten up body. Because nobody can keep living that kind of life and end up happy.

And for Hosea to take her back must’ve blown her mind. Why would you want me back? After everything I’ve done to you. After everything I’ve done to myself. I am not beautiful anymore. I am not worth your love. I am not worth anyone’s love. I am not worthy of being loved.

But Gomer was worthy of being loved. We’re all worthy of being loved. Warts and all.

A big part of me wishes that the book of Hosea focused more on that aspect of Hosea and Gomer’s relationship, and less on God and Israel. Even though they’re metaphorically the same thing. But you know how it goes when it comes to Old Testament prophets – the prophecies take center stage 99.9 percent of the time.


What Did You Learn?

We’re all worthy of being loved, and that can be the hardest realization of all.

Disgusting New Year's Metaphor

Oh, you guys. I have the most disgusting New Year metaphor ever. It’s positively DRIPPING with sentimental ooey gooey BLEGH of inner meaning. So I absolutely have to interrupt the current Sluts, Schemers, and other Shockingly Interesting Women on the Bible series to tell you all about it!

I didn’t get a vacation this year. I was supposed to, the entire family was supposed to go to St. John for my parents’ 50^th wedding anniversary. My father’s Stage IV colon cancer diagnosis put the kibosh on that (for now, there’s hope we can do it in 2012), yet circumstances in the form of multiple dogsitting income gigs throughout 2011 and Hollywood basically shutting down between Christmas and New Year’s all conspired to allow me to take a mini vaca to the amazing Casa Laguna Inn in Laguna Beach for a few days between the holidays.

As soon as I walked into the room, I knew that this was absolutely the right thing to do. I was very well taken care of (they upgraded me to a balcony with a partial ocean view and the TUB! The TUB, people! I took a bath every damn night with that TUB! It was AWESOME! THANK YOU, CASA LAGUNA INN!)

I love Laguna Beach, I really really do. It’s closer than Santa Barbara, and the beach is awesome. I haven’t been here since my birthday in 2007, and Casa Laguna is further south of Laguna Beach than that adventure. But turned out to be absolutely fine. The Inn is located close to Victoria Beach, a pretty much hidden beach and only known to locals and people staying at Casa Laguna, since they include helpful printed directions about how you can walk there.

So walk there I did.

We all know my End Of The Year custom is to go down to the beach and toast the sunset, preferably with tequila. Normally, it’s Santa Monica Beach, but this year, it’s Victoria Beach and no tequila (no glass on the beach, no beachfront bar in sight, and it’s 3:00pm in the afternoon.)

But here I am on the beach, and in search of an adventure. So I decide to head north, to see how far I can get, and see what I can see.

There’s plenty of nifty beachfront housing, and even an old lighthouse? Tower? Something? But I continued on.

There’s a lot of rocky coastline and tidepools, and plenty of signs saying DON’T PICK UP ANYTHING YOU IDIOT! (paraphrasing)

And I came across a patch of coast where the tide was coming in and out in a somewhat irregular manner. So the challenge was to take your shoes off, dash across the wet sand (which would suck your shoes off if you still had them on) before the surf came back in to get you wet, yet have enough time to put your shoes back on to climb the rocks and get up to the next part (You can’t climb these rocks in your bare feet. You absolutely cannot.)

So I slipped my shoes off, dashed across the sand, put the shoes down on the rock, got my right foot into one shoe, and then... WOOOOSH! Here comes the water, and grabs my left shoe! It’s gone! MY LEFT SHOE IS GONE!

“SERIOUSLY!?” I yell uselessly at the water. I see my left shoe bobbing far out in the surf, tossed back and forth by the currents. I’m so pissed, I forget to take a picture (so you’re just gonna have to trust me.)

What am I gonna do? Walk back to the Inn with one shoe? That’s going to be uncomfy. Casa Laguna supplies a BUNCH of things – a gourmet breakfast, a nightly wine and cheese reception, bathrobes, hair dryers, ear plugs, Q-tips, umbrellas for inclement weather,

Himalayan sea salts for the awesome jetted bathtub (and so so much more) – but I think a size 7 ½ left shoe is out of their paygrade.

I watch the shoe bob and bob on the surf. My right shoe in my hand. Both feet in the sand and my legs getting soaked by the surf.

And I wait.

I wait.

In truth, I’m waiting because I don’t know what else to do just yet. I’d like to think that waiting was my instant Grand Master Plan To Get My Shoe Back.

But in all honesty, I was standing there because I didn’t know what to do next.

Until I realize that if I keep spotting the shoe, and watch the waves, there might be a chance the waves would deposit my shoe back to a place where I could snatch it.

So I wait.

And wait.

Maybe two minutes. Probably shorter, just felt like two minutes.

Lo and behold, the tide returns the shoe practically to the same rocky place where it grabbed it away in the first place. And I grab it.

I am officially back in double shoe business! Yay me! I don’t have to limp back to Casa Laguna! Yay yay me!

So here’s the disgusting metaphor part – 2012 is going to be the year of Not Panicking.

2012 is the year of knowing that even if life/fate/God/Whatever Higher Power You Believe In throws you a curveball, or snatches something that you really really need right out of your hands…

Your first response is to wait.

(Okay, your first response can technically be yelling “SERIOUSLY!?”)

But THEN, wait.

Wait and watch.

Watch the landscape, then make judgments based on what you see. 99% of the time, it’s probably not as bad as you think. And if you simply wait, you can get what you needed back.

Yes, it’s a simplistic metaphor, and I reserve every right to say THAT METAPHOR IS COMPLETE BOLLOCKS! should events of 2012 sock me in the gut.

But then I’d probably go back to Casa Laguna to shake it off. Or shake my fist at the sun setting over Victoria Beach.

We shall see.

Happy New Year everyone. And if you ever get the chance to visit Casa Laguna Inn, I highly, highly recommend it. They are awesome awesome folk. :)

Merry Christmas!

Let us not forgot the Savior of the World was born today, and he came to save us, the children, and the bunnies.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Many thanks to my home church in Alabama for the photo, which was not staged at all, I literally stumbled over it on my way to services.

Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #3 – Ruth

Disclaimer: I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!”

Which One Is She?

She’s a Shockingly Interesting Woman Of The Bible for the sheer number of people who willfully choose to see her in the wrong light (a nice girl who obeys her mother in law)

Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

Well, not that this person exists in real life, but I’m going with Sleeping Beauty. I’ll explain why later.

Ruth’s mother in law is Naomi.

And I’m gonna say she’s Susan Sarandon.

An older woman who’s plenty plenty sharp.

Where Is She In The Bible?

Ruth’s got her own book in the Bible, after Joshua and Judges in the Old Testament. (Lyle Lovett once named an album that – “Joshua Judges Ruth”)

What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

I knew that she took care of her mother-in-law Naomi and wouldn’t leave her for anything, and she married her boss Boaz. And there was gleaning in the wheat fields. And she was talked up a LOT in Sunday School classes for being such a good daughter (in law) to Naomi.

So What’s the Story?

So Mother Naomi was married to Elimelech and had two sons, Mahlon and Kilion. Then Elimelech, Mahlon and Kilion all die, leaving Naomi and her two daughter in laws Ruth and Orpah alone and childless.

Which sounds sneakingly familiar to Tamar last week. In fact, if you choose to look the Bible through the eyes of its female characters, a lot of what the majority (but not all) of the Women Of The Bible do is formed around the questions Am I Married? And Do I Have Children?

Now Naomi, Ruth and Orpah (I’m just gonna call her Oprah and be done with it) are widowers and alone. There’s a famine in the land and Naomi’s heard there’s food in the land of Judah. But Ruth and Oprah are Moabites, and would be considered on the outs in Israel. Technically, Ruth and Oprah are supposed to stay with their mother-in-law, but Naomi says never mind, go back home to your families, you don’t have to take care of me.

There’s weeping and hugging and crying and Oprah finally says, “See ya!” and takes off, but Ruth refuses to leave her momsie, because, as Ch.1 verse 16 says, “…Your people will be my people and your God my God.” Essentially, Ruth is converting from her Moabite religion to throw in with Naomi’s Israelite heritage, all because she loves her momsie-in-law that much.

So Ruth and Naomi make it to Bethlehem, Naomi’s hometown. Ruth decides to go gleaning (picking up wheat left behind by the threshers, which is how poor people got food in that day) in the wheat fields. And she providentially lands in the fields of Boaz, who’s a distant relative of Naomi’s dead husband (fun fun fact, he’s also the son of Rahab, everyone’s favorite Prostitute Who Helped The Israelites!) So Ruth’s gleaning, Boaz sees her, and she’s a looker, so he goes to talk to her. Once he realizes she’s Ruth, the daughter-in-law of Naomi, and the one who converted to her mother-in-law’s religion though she didn’t have to, Boaz tells Ruth to only glean in his fields, he’ll make sure she and Naomi will have enough to eat, and the workers won’t touch her. So Ruth does so, and brings back a ton of wheat home to Naomi, where they make a bunch of bread (I’m guessing.)

So now Naomi is upping the game, and counsels Ruth to go get gussied up for Boaz, wait until he’s sleeping and “uncover his feet.” This could either mean

A) His feet.
B) His penis. (“Feet” was a euphemism for penis in OT times.)
C) Stella points out that there might be a mistranslation of the Hewbrew pronoun, and that Naomi is telling Ruth to uncover HER feet (either her feet feet or her lower half.)

Though I think it’d be really hard for Ruth to pull Boaz’s pants down and him not notice immediately. And in CH. 3v8, it indicates that “in the middle of the night, something startled the man, and he turned and discovered a woman lying at his feet.” You could argue that what startled the man was his Mr. Other Feet being uncovered, but the verses seem to indicate a passage of time between the uncovering and Boaz waking up. He could’ve been really drunk. STOP IT!

Anyhow, so off Ruth goes to get gussied up, waits until Boaz has had dinner and is asleep, goes down and uncovers whatever feet interpretation you want. Then, like any good housedog who’s allowed on the furniture, she lies at his feet and waits for him to wake up.

When he wakes up in the middle of the night, there’s a chick by his feet, or his Mister Other Foot, and he asks what’s up. Ruth then asks him to “Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a kindsman-redeemer.”

If you can believe it, this is apparently the OT female way of asking the guy “Will you marry me?” I KNOW! I can’t believe it, I didn’t even think chicks were allowed to ask guys to marry them in Biblical times. They can’t do anything else, really.

Anyhow, so Boaz says “yes, I’d love to, but you’ve got a closer kinsman-redeemer who’s got first right, let me go see what he thinks.”

Then there’s a subplot about the kinsman redeemer (kinda like James Cann In Godfather type, a relative you were supposed to turn to for help.) and Naomi selling land which also had Ruth’s hand in marriage attached, and the kinsman saying thanks, but no thanks, so Boaz steps in, buys Naomi’s land to give it back to her, and marries Ruth. Ruth has a son by Boaz, and the name him Obed, who’s the father of Jesse, who’s the father of King David, and on down the line we go until we get to Jesus. A lot of people like to mention the metaphor of Boaz as kinsmen redeemer to Ruth and Jesus as kinsmen redeemer to us, the human race. That’s all true, but not the focus of this particular entry.

What did you learn?

A few things:

NAOMI – THE MOTHER IN LAW THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO MEDDLE IN YOUR LIFE AND RUTH – DISNEY PRINCESS ON THE OUTSIDE, SHOCKINGLY FORWARD ON THE INSIDE.

Naomi is quite the schemer. Naomi’s doing some furious matchmaking behind the scenes for Ruth and Boaz to meet (as opposed to the closer kinsmen redeemer that

Naomi must know about but decides wouldn’t be as good a match as Boaz.) Interestingly though, she doesn’t specifically tell Ruth to go to Boaz’ fields,

Ruth lands there on her own (though I suspect God had something to do with it.)

At first glance, I thought the Book of Ruth should’ve been called the Book of Naomi. At first glance, it seems like all Ruth does is obey. Which is an important lesson, sure, we all need to be more obedient.

But at first glance, everything’s kinda given to her. Which makes her Sleeping Beauty. A Disney princess.

Can I tell you that Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney Princess movie, 80 percent of it because of the artwork but 20 percent because Aurora doesn’t have to do jack squat. She pricks her finger on a spindle and falls asleep, and when she wakes up, all her problems are over – she’s inherited a kingdom, she’s got a good looking hubby, and the mortal enemy who wanted to kill her is dead. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! MAN!

But if you look at the Book of Ruth and let Sleeping Beauty fade into the background, you’ve got Naomi. A widower, lost both her sons, who’s seen and lived through such tragedy that when she gets back to her hometown, she tells everyone not to call her Naomi, but call her Mara, which means bitter, because “The Lord has afflicted me, the Lord has brought misfortune upon me.”

So how do you go from that mentality – the Lord has brought misfortune upon me – to plotting and scheming to get her daughter in law married to Boaz? I guess that even in your own pit of despair and depression, you don’t give up. The Book Of Ruth doesn’t tell us what Naomi was thinking, if she was praying to God, or if she picked herself up and dusted herself off and said enough, I’m getting us out of this mess.

BUT WAIT! THAT WAS FIRST GLANCE! WHAT DOES SECOND GLANCE REVEAL!

- Chapter 1 – Naomi tells Ruth to return to her homeland. Ruth refuses, saying she won’t leave Naomi.
- Chapter 2 – It’s Ruth’s initial idea to go glean in the fields.
- Chapter 3 - Naomi tells Ruth to go to Boaz’s threshing floor, wait until he’s asleep, uncover his feet, and Ch.3v4 “He will tell you what to do.” Ruth goes to the threshing floor, waits until Boaz is asleep, uncovers his feet, AND THEN SAYS “Spread the corner of your garment over me,” i.e. the marriage proposal. So Ruth wasn’t waiting for Boaz to tell her what to do, Ruth’s not waiting for a ring, she proposed HERSELF. HER IDEA. SHE PROPOSED TO A DUDE IN BIBLICAL TIMES! No wonder when she gets back to Naomi and tells her what happens, Naomi says Ch.3v18 “Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens.” In other words, PUT ON THE BRAKES, KID!

That’s pretty shocking for someone I first thought was a do nothing Disney princess.

Also of note – Boaz is actually a gentleman. A gentleman in Biblical times. My theory is that he didn’t sleep with Ruth on the threshing floor, simply because there were other people there who would’ve probably heard them. And he insists on waiting until he straightens out the whole kinsman redeemer thing.

Yes, Virginia, there are gentlemen in the Bible. Maybe I’ll do a series on them later.

FInally, one of the smartest things you can do in life is make friends with people who are smarter than you. So I must give a shout out to Stella, who is again the Smartest Gal I Know When It Comes To The Bible, and gave me a huge assist on the research of this. Hi Stella! I hope that Mirabella is letting you sleep at night!!!

Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #2 - Tamar In Genesis

Disclaimer: I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!”

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Okay! Entry #2 in the SSSIW series! Here's Tamar (The Genesis version, not a daughter of King David.)

Which One Is She?

As we’ll soon see, Tamar is a Schemer. But not an evil schemer, a schemer by necessity, thanks to being surrounded by not-so-obedient guys.

Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

I’m gonna say she’s Minka Kelly. Here she is.

Does she look like someone else you might’ve seen? This becomes important later.

Where Is She In The Bible?

Genesis chapter 38, verses 1 to 30.

What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

I remember her vaguely as the one who had sex with her father in law. And that’s about it.

So What’s the Story?

Okay, so there’s Judah. Who’s Judah? He’s the fourth son of Jacob. He’s the one (with Reuben) who saved Joseph from being killed by his brothers for his Technicolor Dreamcoat by getting Joseph out of the well and sell him to Midianite merchants. While Joseph goes off to Egypt, gets sold into Pharaoh’s house and has lots of merry adventures there, the brothers go their own ways.

Judah breaks from the herd and gets married to a Canaanite gal named Shua. She gives birth to three sons – Er, Onan and Shelah. Since Er is the firstborn, he gets married first, to a gal named Tamar. Per verse 6b “But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the Lord’s sight so the Lord put him to death.” What did Er, er, um, do? Bible never says. Er is here, Er is, er, gone.

In Biblical times, they had this wackadoo thing called Levirate marriage, where if you’re a dude, and your married brother dies and you’re still single, you’re supposed to sleep with your brother’s widow so she can get pregnant and bear a kid. Why is this? Because in Biblical times, if you were a chick, you were a second class citizen and a woman couldn’t inherit her husband’s property, only her children could. Additionally, if you’re a woman in Biblical times and you’re not a daughter, a wife or a mother, you don’t have any rights. Right now, Tamar is childless and a widow. So really, she’s screwed. Actually, she’s not, that’s the whole point here, she’s gotta GET screwed.

So here’s son number TWO! Onan! Onan, step up! If you’re a high school student in any kind of religious institution, you know Onan as, snigger, snigger, the one that “spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.” So he’s the first official rhythm method dude. He doesn’t wanna get Tamar pregnant, not because it’s kinda gross to be sleeping with your brother’s wife (even though it is), but possibly because any kids from this union would be considered Er’s, not his. These Biblical times are so messed up on so many levels.

So then God kills Onan. BWAH! Thanks, God! That’s what you get for practicing the rhythm method! Ya-woooooooo!

Now there’s only one son left, Shelah. Instead of viewing God as Tamar’s bodyguard, killing anyone who doesn’t give her a kid, Judah is viewing Tamar as a pox upon his household. Judah thinks Tamar’s unlucky, as his sons keep dying around her. So Judah sends Tamar back to her father’s house to live until Shelah “grows up.”

Judah’s not only scared, he’s not obedient. According to Levirate custom, if Shelah’s too young, Judah can perform the obligation himself and get Tamar pregnant. But Judah refuses, possibly because it’s gross, possibly because Mrs. Judah’s still around (Not for long, but important to note that Mrs. Judah did not die because she didn’t have sex with Tamar, more likely because of old age. BWAH!) but more likely, Judah suspects Tamar has the VAGINA OF DEATH, and doesn’t wanna inflict whatever curse she’s got on himself.

But God WANTS Tamar pregnant in the worst possible way. Why? Because she’s going to be part of the bloodline that eventually produces Jesus, though nobody knows that yet.

Tamar herself is looking at her situation and knows she’s gotta get screwed and if Judah and his household are not gonna step up and be a man about it, she’ll roll up her scheming sleeves and get the job done herself.

Instead of last week’s Woman At The Well who would pick anybody, Tamar’s gonna play by the rules and get pregnant by Judah. She hears that Mrs. Judah has passed away, and that Judah is gonna travel to get his sheep sheared (not a metaphor, we’re talking literal sheep.)So she disguises herself as a temple prostitute and waits by the side of the road for him. Wackadoo Thing #2 in Biblical Times – it was considered culturally okay for a guy to “worship” at a temple by sleeping with a prostitute. They thought it would bring favor on the guy’s life – water for crops, good luck with the sheep (I don’t even wanna think about what that means), etc. etc. etc.

So Judah approaches Tamar, who he thinks is the Gossip Girl actress Leighton Meister. Because they look a lot alike! So alike it was a plot point in the movie The Roommate !

But since Tamar’s saying she’s a prostitute, there’s a security deposit involved. Well… I got goats! Nifty cool keen! Tamar says yeah, it’s gonna take something else, so Judah coughs up a seal, cord and staff, and off they go to the races. When Judah sends his servant back the next day to get the security deposit back, there’s a problem with the carpet, holes in the walls, the door is kinda off its hinges and no you’re not getting the security deposit back… NO! Tamar is GONE! GONE with the security deposit! The servant asks around, and everyone’s like, “Nope, there’s no Leighton Meister around here. We don’t know who you’re talking about.”

But it doesn’t matter. we have a winner in the Screwing Tamar Sweepstakes! Judah! Come on down!!! When Judah hears that Tamar is pregnant, he says YES! BONUS! SHE’S A SLUT AND I CAN BURN HER TO DEATH! YESSSSSSS! (seriously. It’s verse 24b)

But Tamar then shows up with the seal, cord, and staff and says these belong to the father of my child. Judah says, “Hey, those’re mine!” and realizes what’s happened.

To his credit, Judah doesn’t try to get out of it, but instead gives total bonus points to Tamar – “She is more righteous than I, since I wouldn’t give her to my son Shelah.” (verse 26) And though he doesn’t sleep with her again (bonus points to him, I guess), Tamar gives birth to twin boys named Zerah and Perez. Perez goes on to become a (bunch of greats) grandfather to Boaz, then King David, and ultimately Jesus Christ.

Whatchoo Thinking About?

Oooooh, boy. Where do I start!? That poor other son Shelah! Can you imagine him seeing all of this on the sidelines and thinking to himself, “there but for the grace of God (that my Dad’s not obeying) go I.” BWAH!

No, seriously. Here’s a fascinating thing:

Tamar sees her situation very clearly. She knows Judah is not doing right by her, (being disobedient to cultural practices and to God.) Her options, as a widow with no kids, are very limited. She’s probably thinking to herself, “I gotta do something. But what can I do?”

And she has no idea that God’s looking out for her, she has no idea that she has a very important part in God’s plan to bring about Jesus Christ.

The chapter doesn’t say anything about what she thought, only what she did. So we don’t know if she was praying to God saying, “I’m thinking I’m gonna do this. What do You this?”

Because that’s what modern day Christians are told to do all the time – You think you’ve got a plan? Tell God about your plan. Talk, discuss, sit and listen for His response. Don’t say “Here’s what I’m going to do, please prepare me and bless me for success.” It’s supposed to be, “Here’s the problem. Here are my options. Here’s what I’d LIKE to do, but I’d much rather do what YOU want me to do. Do you have an opinion on what you’d like me to do? Please feel free to share.”

Though Tamar’s discussion would have to have gone like “Father God in Heaven. I have to go trick my disobedient father-in-law into thinking I’m Leighton Meester when I’m really Minka Kelly. All so I can get pregnant.

This is a wackadoo plan, God. It involves weird sex by the side of the road, and trickery, and is this really my LIFE!? REALLY, GOD REALLY? IS THERE ANOTHER WAY THIS CAN HAPPEN?”

Meanwhile God’s up in heaven chuckling softly to himself, thinking, “My son Jesus is gonna say something really similar in the garden of Gethsemane…”

Holy crap, is that a breakthrough? Ahhhhh! Move down to the next question!

What Did You Learn?

Could the Bible be seen as a collection of stories about people who all said the same thing? I’LL DO THIS IF YOU WANT ME TO, GOD, BUT IS THERE ANOTHER WAY TO DO IT? NO!? WELL… GOSH… OKAY THEN! TRUSTING IN YOU AND YOUR WACKADOO PLAN!!!!!

I mean, take anybody from the Bible. I bet you they thought that at some point.

If you wanna break that down, anyone who’s asking that question thinks a few things.

There is a God.

He’s in charge of my life.

There’s this thing He wants me to do.

It sounds really wackadoo.

I really don’t wanna do it.

But because I trust God.

I’ll do it.

It will suck.

So I hope I get something out of being obedient. Like a pillow top mattress in heaven or something.

Well, I need to give a special shout out and thank you to Tamar. I don’t know that I would’ve reached the conclusion any other way. JJJ

Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #1 - The Woman At The Well

Hey everybody!

So the blog series I did for the month of January -- “Sarcasm In The Bible” went over like gangbusters, if my counter stats are to be believed.

Since we’re approaching Christmas, which I’ve never been sentimental about, and the Christmas story, which I’ve already examined from several angles (check the archives), I’ve decided to bust out another series. I think I’m calling it…

“Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible.”

Because nothing says Christmas like that! :)

Now, let’s make one thing clear. I am doing this as a way to share what I learn about these gals. I’m not saying what I discover and write about here is the absolute truth about them. I’m not thinking I’m going to discover some revolutionary truth that nobody’s heard before, nor am I looking to start legalistic fights. This is more about me being curious and wanting to learn more about these gals, and saying “Here’s what I learned in my Bible readings today!” Because I’m betting there’s a lot more to them beneath the “Slut” surface.

You know how your pastor in your church will constantly exhort you to “Spend Time In The Word Every Day! It Will Change Your Life”? (Pastor Diet Slice said it for the ten thousandth time yesterday.)

This is how I’m spending time in the Word, Pastor Diet Slice. I’m praying before diving into the research. I’m asking God to meet me in the midst of my curiosity. Let’s see if anything changes.

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Sluts, Schemers, And Other Shockingly Interesting Women Of The Bible #1 – The Samaritan Woman At The Well.

Which One Is She?

Since this chickie was married and divorced five times, she’d probably fall in the Slut category. That’s probably what the town gossips called her.

Who Could Be Her Celebrity Counterpart?

Let’s say she’s the late great Elizabeth Taylor (married eight times.)

Where Is She In The Bible?

Only in one Gospel book - John 4: 1 – 42

What Did You Already Know About Her Before This?

That she was a town pariah, multiple divorcee and currently living with a guy who’s not her husband.

Everyone talked about her, nobody liked her, and she’d have to get water during the hottest part of the day because that’s the only time when nobody else was at the well. I imagine the modern day equivalent would be Elizabeth Taylor having to grocery shop at Ralph’s waaaaaaaaay in the Valley at, like 4am.

She was a Samaritan, a race that most everyone else in Biblical times looked down upon (see also The Good Samaritan, the only person who stopped to help someone in need while a priest and a Levite ignored the person in need.)

Jesus talked to her by himself. You know what that means? JESUS MET WITH A WOMAN IN PRIVATE! (the disciples don’t show up until verse 27.) Why is this important? Because even today in modern times, throw a stick and you will hit a pastor who refuses to meet with a woman for lunch, for counseling, for anything one on one. Meet with a guy one on one? Sure, no problem. Meet with a woman? Nope, it’s inappropriate. People will talk. Even though Jesus did it, and we’re called to be like Jesus. Except in this particular instance. “Because people will talk.” Whatever.

What’s up with the Samaritans? Why did everyone hate them?

Oh gosh. You guys, I just lost about 45 minutes of my life trying to understand the geographical boundaries of Manasseh and Ephraim, and Jews vs. Samaritans vs Assyrians and when did the Babylonian Exile start, and I feel my enthusiasm for learning about SSSIW (Sluts, Schemers, and Shockingly Interesting women) fading away. Blarg

In short, I THINK the tensions came primarily from Samaritans claiming they had the one authentic site of worshipping God – their temple on Mount Gerizim, as opposed to the temple in Jerusalem. There could have been things like Samaritans being a mixed race resulting from foreigners marrying Israelites, and there’s a tiny possibility (via 2 Kings Ch. 17) that some Samaritans did things like worshipping idols and child sacrifices in addition to worshipping Regular God. So yeah, lots of crap going on.

Of course, there’s zippo to indicate what the Woman At The Well practiced in terms of her Samaritan religion before she bumped into Jesus. Pretty sure she didn’t have any kids, or else they would’ve been mentioned. THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE SACRIFICED THEM!

Oh God, we’re so off track. Ahem.

Why Wouldn’t The Guy She’s Currently Shacking Up With Marry Her?

Dunno. Maybe the guy mentality of Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free existed back then. Unless they sacrificed the cow. Along with the kids. KIDDING! GOD, I’M SO KIDDING!

Whatchoo Thinking About?

Woman At The Well (has the face of Elizabeth Taylor) probably thought this was going to be the rest of her life – a life of shame. A life of people gossiping about her. A life of regret, of broken relationships and really bad choices that she’d never be able to shake. Maybe she thought her current guy would marry her, and thus maybe she’d gain maybe two percent more respect. Maybe she thought her current dude would take her away from this place and they’d go live somewhere else. It’s easy to forget that back in Biblical times, women, especially ones who got divorced a bunch of times, didn’t have a any freedom, which is why they needed to be married – because the man had the power, and the woman didn’t.

Anyhow, so WATW might have thought that this was going to be her life for the rest of her life – no escape, no way out, no forgiveness.

And I’m just guessing here, which is all anyone can do – that she probably condemned herself far more than anyone outside of her could do. Isn’t that how shame usually works? We beat ourselves up worse than anyone else could? Because you can eventually get away from other people. You can’t get away from yourself.

Why did Jesus ask the Woman At The Well for a drink? Why didn’t he get it himself?

What, is our Lord and Savior so exhausted from the heat that he can’t get the damn water himself? NO! (and he doesn’t have a jar, verse 11 says so.)

Jesus is supposed to be at the well (BY HIMSELF, I’m sorry, I’m not letting that go) to meet the Woman, to change her life, to knock her out of her life of self hatred and condemnation.

She’s shocked:

1 – Apparently Jews didn’t directly address women they didn’t know.

2 – Jews wouldn’t speak to Samarians, even if they happen to be traveling through Samaria.

3. If Jesus drank from the Samaritan Woman’s jar, he’d be considered ritually unclean, because she, by virtue of being a Samaritan, is unclean.

I can’t help but think somewhere in the back of her mind, there’s probably a gleeful voice jumping up and down saying, I’M NOT THE FREAKY ONE NOW! I’M NOT THE FREAKY ONE NOW! HEY, EVERYBODY! COME LOOK AT NUMERO UNO FREAK… and then realize that nobody’s there at the well to witness this except for her and Jesus. Heh.

Then we go through the standard verses that anyone who’s spent any significant time in a church has heard at some point or another “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst…” and she says, “Sir, give me this water….” And “You are right when you say you have no husband…. You have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband…” WATW says she knows that the Messiah is coming, Jesus says DAT’S ME!!! All the greatest hits of this story in those verses.

Then the merry band of disciples show up with lunch. I love this part, verse 27 “… But no one asked ‘What do you want’ or ‘Why are you talking with her?’” There you go, modern church. If the disciples didn’t question why Jesus was alone with a woman, then a pastor should be able to meet one on one with a woman. Let it go already.

So WATW is so spooked/stoked by what Jesus has said that she leaves the water jar behind as she “went back to the town and said to the people, ‘Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?” You gotta love how she words it. She KNOWS Jesus is the Christ, he just told her. But she’s playing dumb so that the others will come out to see for themselves. She’s super cagey, because it could’ve gone this way –

WATW runs through the neighborhood, finding any and everybody in town that she can.

WATW – “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did.”

TOWNSPEOPLE - “Um, yeah, EVERYONE knows what you did. We talk about you behind your back constantly.”

What did you learn?

If you’re doing a sermon on this, you usually focus on the “living water” stuff and “Sir, give me this water…” And how Jesus is extending his grace and love and forgiveness to this town outcast, that he doesn’t care what her backstory is, he’ll love and forgive her anyway. That’s basic Christian 101 stuff.

Most people would stop paying attention around verse 30, after the townspeople come out to see Jesus, because the disciples get all up in Jesus’ grill, saying he’s gotta eat something and Jesus throws out metaphors about harvests and sowers and reapers and la la laaaaaa.

But if you keep going to verse 39, you get this: “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, ‘He told me everything I ever did.’”

I think it’s more interesting that Jesus used an outcast to bring people to faith. Not just an outcast of society, but a CHICK outcast. So in Biblical Times, that’s like an outcast time two, heh.

Once again, Jesus uses the least likely of people to draw more people to him. Not the proper people, not the powerful people. Not the people that were doing everything right. But he uses a person who had done EVERYTHING wrong. Because nobody is so wrong that God couldn’t use them if He needed to. I SO dig that about God.

It doesn’t go on to say what happened to WATW after the townspeople believed her about Jesus. I’d like to think that the guy she was living with finally made an honest woman out of her, and that they followed Jesus throughout the rest of his travels in the New Testament. Because even former sluts deserve a happy ending.